Monday, September 21, 2015

A Change Of Mind?


Someone asked me recently if spending so much time totally enclosed in rubber had affected my mind and thinking. I believe it has strongly affected me both physically and mentally, but will in this post I will cover the mind and my thinking. The changes to my mind is a big subject, but here is a start…

As you may have read here, my journey has been undertaken over many years now and involved manipulating habits and thinking. What started out as a useful method of using "mantras" & personal rules and rituals, evolved over time into adaptation and then conditioning to better adjust to my life in rubber. It would be true that once I saw the potential, I actually went out of my way to brain wash myself to be the way I am. A self-fulfilling TE prophecy? I think a deliberate decision was made at some point to pervert my rational mind, reasoning and even my memories of the exact route I took to get to my current rubber dependency.

I believe this "playing with my mind" was all part of supporting my journey towards my fetish ambitions, but I am sufficiently down the road now to realise that I can longer be sure of the exact route I have taken. I only really know what I believe to be the truth right now, taking into account years of conditioning and hypnosis, which itself has changed in technique and content many times over the period.

This leads to some interesting ambiguities.... the most obvious example being that I don’t really know any more why I often experience district “Rubber TE Hunger” episodes. To explain, the nature of these episodes is to experience a very sudden and very strong compulsion to be sealed in rubber and I can experience these episodes irrespective of if I am currently in "vanilla mode", or already sealed in rubber. If I am not currently in rubber, the sudden emotion results in an equally strong chain reaction in the logical part of my mind, which kicks in to work out the logistics of what I need to do to set up the circumstance that will allow me to be sealed in rubber as quickly as is practical. If I experience such an episode when I am already in rubber, the chain reaction takes a different course and feeds back a pleasurable emotional response and strong reassuring feeling of well-being. The ambiguity I mentioned can perhaps be best expressed in the question: Do I get these sudden episodes of strong feelings merely because of my general long-standing love of rubber, because of an increasing addictive appetite or as a result of my conditioning being activated by, for example, a hypnotic trigger. Luckily for me, I actually love this particular uncertainty. I do find the resulting need to be in rubber more exciting & rewarding because the driver is some unknown mix of fetish, kink, dependency, addiction or submission to my conditioning. Maybe it is specifically an essential part of my kink as I do get off on the idea that I am being forced to be totally enclosed by forces that are now beyond my control. Despite seemingly always having had a tendency to want to wear rubber, I do get a perverse pleasure out of doing everything I can to use the ideas of addiction and conditioning to give myself the feeling that I am compelled to regularly spend all day in rubber, whether I want to or not...

So, without going into all the other facets, the above leads me to believe that my experience has strongly affected my mind and thinking.

There is no question my mind has been affected by the experience, but has it had a positive or negative affect? That is an impossible one for me to convince the reader that I can answer empirically. I have only lived the life and cannot know for certain what kind of life it would be if I had controlled my urges and taken a more vanilla path. Where would my mind and thinking be now? I do not know, but wonder if there would have been more frustration in my mind. All I do know is that I feel like I am glad to have had the opportunity to walk the path I have taken, that I feel I am on the right path for moment and that I think it is a path I want to explore for at least a little longer, while I can...


Sealed

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