Someone asked me recently if spending so much time totally
enclosed in rubber had affected my mind and thinking. I believe it has strongly
affected me both physically and mentally, but will in this post I will cover
the mind and my thinking. The changes to my mind is a big subject, but here is
a start…
As you may have read here, my journey has been undertaken
over many years now and involved manipulating habits and thinking. What started
out as a useful method of using "mantras" & personal rules and rituals,
evolved over time into adaptation and then conditioning to better adjust to my
life in rubber. It would be true that once I saw the potential, I actually went
out of my way to brain wash myself to be the way I am. A self-fulfilling TE prophecy?
I think a deliberate decision was made at some point to pervert my rational
mind, reasoning and even my memories of the exact route I took to get to my
current rubber dependency.
I believe this "playing with my mind" was all part
of supporting my journey towards my fetish ambitions, but I am sufficiently
down the road now to realise that I can longer be sure of the exact route I
have taken. I only really know what I believe to be the truth right now, taking
into account years of conditioning and hypnosis, which itself has changed in
technique and content many times over the period.
This leads to some interesting ambiguities.... the most
obvious example being that I don’t really know any more why I often experience district
“Rubber TE Hunger” episodes. To explain, the nature of these episodes is to
experience a very sudden and very strong compulsion to be sealed in rubber and
I can experience these episodes irrespective of if I am currently in
"vanilla mode", or already sealed in rubber. If I am not currently in
rubber, the sudden emotion results in an equally strong chain reaction in the logical
part of my mind, which kicks in to work out the logistics of what I need to do
to set up the circumstance that will allow me to be sealed in rubber as quickly
as is practical. If I experience such an episode when I am already in rubber,
the chain reaction takes a different course and feeds back a pleasurable
emotional response and strong reassuring feeling of well-being. The ambiguity I
mentioned can perhaps be best expressed in the question: Do I get these sudden
episodes of strong feelings merely because of my general long-standing love of
rubber, because of an increasing addictive appetite or as a result of my
conditioning being activated by, for example, a hypnotic trigger. Luckily for
me, I actually love this particular uncertainty. I do find the resulting need
to be in rubber more exciting & rewarding because the driver is some
unknown mix of fetish, kink, dependency, addiction or submission to my conditioning.
Maybe it is specifically an essential part of my kink as I do get off on the
idea that I am being forced to be totally enclosed by forces that are now
beyond my control. Despite seemingly always having had a tendency to want to
wear rubber, I do get a perverse pleasure out of doing everything I can to use
the ideas of addiction and conditioning to give myself the feeling that I am
compelled to regularly spend all day in rubber, whether I want to or not...
So, without going into all the other facets, the above leads
me to believe that my experience has strongly affected my mind and thinking.
There is no question my mind has been affected by the
experience, but has it had a positive or negative affect? That is an impossible
one for me to convince the reader that I can answer empirically. I have only
lived the life and cannot know for certain what kind of life it would be if I
had controlled my urges and taken a more vanilla path. Where would my mind and
thinking be now? I do not know, but wonder if there would have been more frustration
in my mind. All I do know is that I feel like I am glad to have had the
opportunity to walk the path I have taken, that I feel I am on the right path
for moment and that I think it is a path I want to explore for at least a
little longer, while I can...
Sealed
